percieve it
Well, I'm not an expert on porn, but this is what I hear from my male friends -
some guys
(ok all guys according to some) are into porn. It's a visual thing I suppose.
Once I asked a
boyfriend what he like most of our love making and his response (which threw me)
was
that he got to see me naked. See me naked??? - this normal, not one of those
unrealistic
supermodel's bodies is what he enjoys seeing?? So, guys like seeing naked women,
doesn't
sound illogical..and at least he is looking at women. I'm not condemning or
condoning
porn - I chalk it up to its' one of those guy things that some guys do. Perhaps
my guy
does it too, who knows.
What surprises me is that your self esteem is taking a beating from this. Why
let it? Was
the file listed "women I rather be with than my current girlfriend"? Why isn't
the question
"do I want a guy who is heavy into porn?" Not, "what's wrong with me?" Why is
that us
women type immediate reflect the mirror on us instead of the situation or the
other
person?
One last thought...sometimes it is good to live in blissful ignorance and allow
some
privacy/freedom. Imagine if your guy could read all your thoughts, read your
journal,
overhear the conversations you have with your girlfriends. It's like when you
notice a cute
guy, do you really want your boyfriend to know that you noticed? My point is
this...did
looking, without permission, in your boyfriend's account bring you happiness or
sadness?
engaged
I'm 21 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We are getting
engaged this summer. To me the engagement symbolizes our undying love for one
another and also the promise of a full commitment and inauguration into each
other's families. I don't have any doubts about our commitment, but it just
proves to the world how very much in love with one another we really are. It's a
complicated thing to talk about, because of course it really doesn't matter what
others think about your relationship as long as you are happy. Contradictory, I
know, but I guess it shows others what two people already know on the inside.
And strangers won't think you are single so you can avoid being hit on when you
don't want it, although some men are relentless and will hit on you anyway. Just
my thoughts 
colder than an iceberg
I am intimately involved with a man for a
month now. I have know this man since he was 17 (now 35 and I am
41), a friend of my brothers. He moved downstairs in Jan of this
yr. We both have liked ea other in the past but never did anything
about it. We acted like we were married once he moved in (no sex)
and things were really good. We finally acted on our desires and I
find that he is colder than an iceberg. He is divorced and has 2
kids. I have no kids. He holds a fire for his ex even though there
is nothing there between them. I am the aggressor in this
relationship and he doesn't even want to kiss me. His excuse is "I
don't know how to, I am a lousy lover that is why my ex left me". If
I had a crystal ball and knew that he was like that I may have never
started. But I am very vulnerable as I haven't been with a man for 6
yrs. I keep giving the affection and keep wondering when it will my
turn. He is moving out next mo, as his family bought a house. He
did say that he does want to see me once a week, not just for sex but
to be with me. I just can't deal with this coldness---any
suggestions?
staying otgether.
staying together, and giving it your best, unless it really is
impossible to do so. And I wouldn't give anyone any advice that I am
not willing to take myself in their shoes. But I have to say that
this guy is really something leaving you after a miscarriage, even
if you are not together. He had no business leading you on only to
drop out of sight like that for any excuse least a game. His actions
in your last post, and now this post have convinced me that he isn't
commited to you as you may like him to be. Unfortunately we cannot
make others commit to us or love us. You probably know in your own
heart that this isn't going any where's positive. It's just that you
have been through alot in the past year and now this miscarriage,
your just emotionally overwhelmed. Once you give yourself some time
to get past all this you will bounce back.
I'm sorry about your miscarriage,& your relationship situation
as a whole. Just remember you are not alone, there is a loving God
that watches over us, and even comforts us when others let us down.
magic
I wish I could wave my magic wand around and give you an attitude
adjustment, but it doesn't really work that way. This is something you will
have to discipline yourself with. How old are you MAy I ask...did you say
23? You will learn. After losing some good friends, or frustrating family so
terribly that they won't want to deal with it anymore. I was the same way
when I was younger. YOu must learn to relax is one thing. One of the things
that makes a person this way is being up tight. Also learn to open your mind
a little. Take some classes, it doesn't matter what they are.
How did you come to conclusion that you were this way? Did people tell
you, or did you just realize suddenly that you had this problem? Are there
anyone else in your family like that? Im afraid without really knowing some
more information, this is something that will have to take time and
correction. WHat I mean by that is once you hear yourself being this way
shut-up...think....then correct yourself and make amends with the person you
started to jump on. This take a long time. Im still working on it. Know that
everyone has their own ideas, and sometimes their opinions and answers may
be more correct than your own.
There's a story about this in the NT of the Christian Bible. I cant
remember the book. But Jesus is lecturing and he says something to the
effect " When you go to eat, do not sit at the head of the table, for take
another seat at the end, for someone more important than you may come."
Worried about men not liking my size.
I don't think it is just about losing weight or eating less. I have had an eating disorder since I was 13 and now can go a day or a few days of eating nothing, eat one meal a day, and lose no weight, but now that I am older, I lose muscle and grow very weak and lethargic. I have learned that I can boose my metabolism by making myself eat even when I don't want to. I also can firm my body with excercise. I have damaged my body over the years and have several autoimmune disorders that cause fatigue. I have learned that exercise is critical to being able to function or have a life at all. I like water exercise because it does not stress my joints, I love the freedom of movement in the water, and the resistance of moving in water makes exercise as effective as working out with weights. I also see many women with much larger bodies than I have, who have been doing water exercise for quite some time, and consistantly. They are large and they are beautifully muscular. This is visable in a swimming suit. When I am exercising regularly in the water classes I have more energy, less pain, am relaxed, sleep better, AND am a very beautiful full bodied woman because I am firm and have good muscle tone. This is a big difference. I love how I feel and look when I do this water exercise. I also metabolise my food more efficiently and have more energy. My entire life is better. I think that it is not reasonable to expect a partner to like how women who do not care for themselves look at any size. I have seen thin people who are not healthy and therefore not beautiful. It is a responsibility we have to ourselves and to a partner to care for ourselves well. Eating less is not always the answer. I think that it may also be a choice of food as well. If we eat a lot of refined carbohydrates, sugary foods, donuts, icecreams, desserts we will be more prone to diabetes, less healthy than if we eat fruits, vegies, lean meats and poultry, and whole grains.
I am definitely full bodied, and I do exercise, I eat very little refined carbohydrate, and sweets, and given multiple autoimmune disorders and chronic disabling conditions, I am as healthy as I can be. So I think that just *eating less* is a simplistic answer to what can be a rather complicated picture, it is important to look at the whole picture.
I sure do agree about the imbalance of trying to get our partners to be our *everything*. We need to be complete and joyful in ourselves before we can be in balance in a good way with a partner. Then we can help each other do those things in daily life that are difficult for the other to do . The idea, in my mind is to seek balance and harmony in relationship with ourselves as well as with others including partners.
Keep Feelingsi n Check.
You need to keep your feelings in check. If you allow your emotions to control you, then you will have these emotional break downs. You can allow your heart to control your life over your head. The best way to accomplish this is to concentrate on a life of your own. Don't go looking for relaitonships, don't spend all your time with the one your in a relaitonship with, take trips alone or with girlfriends. Dont try to control or worry anything that your partner does or how he lives his life.
As far as obsessing over every detail and thinking about the break up allt he time, I answered that in another email. read the other one I sent you. You are mroe than welcome also to email me privately.
And your not alone in this Andrea, I used to be the same way. After a relaitonship would come to an end I would think about the guy all the time. I would fight the want or need to find out what he was doing, where he was, or even to pick up the phone to talk to him. It would kill me inside. I would do things to keep me busy, run errands, do homework or a prodject, work more hours, go to the movies, "super clean" my house or take a trip. You can do it, you just have to condition yourself to, and set your mind to it.